Q&A - Consequences
Q: What’s your strategy in terms of the consequences? My kid loathes cleaning up after herself and is willing to get yelled at, privileges taken away, and even a chancla 🩴. Yes I’ve first tried positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, warning her ahead of time of the impending clean up, making her a simple check list to follow, so the task are broken down, and oh, her toys go into clearly labeled bins for easy clean up. I am at my wits end!
A: I love seeing your efforts. It shows how much you care about fostering responsibility.
Quick answer:
Simplify tasks: Less toys mean less work
Build routines: Clean up at about the same time everyday
Link privileges to responsibility: more on that at the end
But before we get to the consequences I feel the need to clarify some things. I’m speaking to myself as much as anyone when I say: When you find the balance between what is reasonable and appropriate, the need for consequences diminishes.
My kids used to have an enormous amount of toys packed into their bedroom. When they were younger they shared a room. They had so much that we gave up the master bedroom in order to fit all their toys and other things. Every day we battled with them to put their toys away and keep things organized, but the toys would spill out into every room of the house. It was a constant battle and i got tired of having the same fight, over and over again.
I , too, was losing my ever-loving mind.
Someone I knew suggested we try a toy rotation. You can read about the journey HERE if you’re interested. It’s been a life-changer. Keeping the clutter down helps to eliminate their stress as much as my own. Kids often fight chores and schoolwork because they feel overwhelmed. My strategy in our home has been to keep my expectations manageable. Limiting their toys is not mean. And don’t worry if they say they’re bored. It’s ok to be bored! We kept toys in clear totes at the top of their closet, Even in a small apartment. It was out of reach but accessible. I made a video HERE showing you how to begin.
Before we start thinking about consequences we need to get curious.
Find out what is holding them back, and what we can do to help them developing the skills they need.
First: Understand the behavior.
Start by looking for the cause behind the behavior. We’re not looking to excuse the behaviors. We are not coddling our kids, we just need to find out if they don’t WANT do something or they CAN’T do it. Obviously cleaning their room is something that can be done, but there is something that is holding them back from success. Let’s find out what that is.
Human beings, as a species, thrive in a heard mentality. We are naturally inclined to want to work together and to try our best. There are heaps of psychological reports on happiness and its link to cooperation. I don’t believe kids WANT to be defiant, often that’s the most effective way they know to get attention - they are asking for help.
That said, here are many reasons kids might find it hard to cooperate:
Anxiety, Depression, Difficulty Focusing, Defiance, Sensory Issues, Lack of Self Esteem, Deficiencies, other Stress, or Sickness, Hunger, Lack of Motivation, an Event.
These are all real, every-day issues. I’m not saying anybody needs a diagnosis- they are fairly common issues for people to face. As a parent, you are in the best position to help your kiddo overcome these trials. Your job is to figure out what the problem is, then tackle it. There are all kinds of free resources online to help you manage, you just have to decide to start!
Since we decided, it’s probably not willful disobedience, and maybe our kids just need a little extra support. We can shift our mindset away from punishment into problem solving!
NEXT: Develop a Growth Mindset: 🔗 <————
Intrinsic cooperation is not fostered in a punitive system.
(more on that HERE)
Translation: self motivation to cooperate is not created through punishment.
With a Growth Mindset, kids find themselves enjoying a challenge. They learn cooperation and find a sense of self worth in problem solving. The opposite of a Growth Mindset is the Fixed Mindset which results in a child that is entitled, overly pessimistic, and has an aversion to help out.
My entire approach to consequences rests on the argument of whether I have given them
Reasonable Expectations & Appropriate Privileges
Reasonable Expectations sound like:
✅ Clearly Expressed Standards: Expect the bed to be made, toys in bins, and dirty clothes in the hamper—nothing unusual. This is where those lists you made come in.
✅ Realistic Time Frames: Set a timer (e.g., 15 minutes) to clean - acknowledging their individual developmental abilities and attention span. This is where the toy rotation comes in. They should only have as many toys as they can manage independently within the reasonable time frame.
✅ Consistent Rules: Make a designated time that fits into your family rhythm for cleaning up. Maybe every evening before bed or at the end of the week. It should become a habit and a regular routine so the kids aren’t caught off-guard by new unreasonable expectations. My kids are expected to do their chores every day before 3pm or they lose specific privileges. We also try to do an optional Nightly Tidy every night.
Appropriate Privileges include:
✅ Play Date Incentive: If the room is tidy, they can invite a friend over to play.
✅ Electronics Reward: After cleaning their room, they earn a the privilege to watch TV or play video games. Our kids do not have cell phones or personal tablets. We share a tablet with educational games and music. They also love to invite friends over and sing karaoke.
✅ Participate in Special Events: It can be a family movie, going out to a restaurant, going to their friend’s birthday party, staying up late, or anything else you can think of. Our kids know that “if they want to do fun things they have to take care of their responsibilities first.”
✅ Special Requests: We have specific things that the kids have to ask permission to do: playing with our pet rats, going to a friends house, walking to the park, or exchanging their toys in the rotation.
The answer will always be no if the expectation is not met.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Kids don’t need to be threatened with consequences to understand responsibility. When parents set clear, firm, and respectful boundaries, children quickly learn what is expected. Consistently following through teaches them that their choices have natural outcomes. Holding privileges over their heads as a form of control creates power struggles and resentment. Instead, focus on guiding them toward cooperation by allowing them to experience the results of their own decisions.
✨AND FINALLY✨
Consequences:
If the expectation is not met the privilege is not gained.
No, you can’t have screen-time.
No, you can’t go to your friend’s house.
No, you cant get out the Lego set.
No, you can’t play with the rats.
No, you can’t have a tea party.
…
You get the idea. Hold the boundary firm but respectfully. The idea isn’t about making them hurt, it’s about fostering responsibility and self determination. Stick to the plan and trust the process.
NOTE: Things that are not a privilege include safety, education, shelter, food, medical care, and love. In no case should these things be revoked in way of a “consequence”. These are basic human rights, inherent and unconditional entitlements, every child has simply by being human.
