32. Labels Are for Clothing - fixed vs. growth mindset
Science actually shows that kids learn more efficiently when they are in mixed-age classrooms. Read more from the Institute for Excellence in Writing on mixed-age classrooms here.
Young kids operate in the here-and-now; in a tangible social view. To them, labels apear to be a concrete measure, and not easily perceived as adaptable. And if kids don't know how to live up to the expectations of their labels, they will live in the shadow of failure. Naturally, if the label has a negative connotation, like saying they are "naughty" or a "bad listener" they will doubt themselves and start to view that as a concrete measure of themselves which they will inadvertently live up to.
When you give someone a label they will, subconsciously, do their very best to live up to it. Good or bad, their subconscious will always use it as a means of measuring their success.
Three decades of research done by the Stanford Psychologist Carol S. Dweck has proven that telling your child that they are "so smart" or "so talented" instills a Fixed Mind-set. These shallow compliments are intended to be uplifting but actually are hindering our kids self reliance and development.
What happens when the "nice" kid just doesn't feel very social some days? But because they're "nice", they are likely to adapt people-pleasing tenancies. And what about the "smart" kid? What happens when they get the answer wrong? They become discouraged and learn to take the easy road for fear of failure. When the "fast" or "athletic" kid doesn't win the game they are likely to seek someone else to blame and shirk personal responsibility.
I love watching my kids fail.
That sounds crazy, I know. But failure teaches them to work hard and to find solutions.
Learning to fail gracefully teaches kids the Growth Mind-set.
Letting them fail doesn't mean you don't want them to succeed. It's exactly the opposite. Giving them the space to experience failure triggers the brain's problem solving response. They can learn to seek solutions and know that they are CAPABLE of finding one.
A person with a Fixed Mind-set is afraid of failure and they see effort as a negative experience. They're afraid of judgment and to lose their status of "smart", "nice", or "talented". If they were "so smart" or "so talented" no effort should be necessary. With expectations to be naturally adept in a specific area the mind has a hard time distinguishing between failure and effort. They will feel like a failure in the face of effort because the expectation, that they should be able to win the race, is not met with ease.
Kids with a Fixed-Mindset believe that things should come naturally to them because of their status and if they are in a situation which requires effort, they will assume that they are incapable because their status is fixed. They may be capable of putting in work to become more successful but that seems out of the question because it has been ingrained that they already are entitled to the prize when they are given a label.
When I was a kid I was called a lot of different things. I was too bossy, brave, scatter-brained, creative, impatient, callous, and the list of labels goes on. I lived in that reality of them for long time. My insecurities pushed me to procrastinate and hold myself back from attempting to pursue my talents. For the longest time labels gnawed away at my peace until I realized that if people are adaptable, and I am 'people', I can adapt. If there is something I'm not naturally good at I can try hard and become better. And just because someone is more brave or creative than me doesn't mean that I've failed.
In my adult life I have discovered that I can be a great leader. I can be compassionate, I can be trusting, I can be patient, I can be impatient, I can be emotional, and I can be stubborn (or willful as I've come to describe my kids). I can be anything I need to be when the trait becomes an asset to the situation. I can grow and rise to meet any challenge, and so can you.
It's not fair to give children a label, regardless of your good intent. Let them discover who they are without interference. Don't make them wait until they are adults to figure out the truth of their own value. They get to set the bar for greatness when they are not limited by their labels.
Next time you want to give your kids praise focus on high-quality praise. Focus on the effort, not on things outside of their control.
🚫 Instead of "Wow! Good job!"
✨ Try, "I noticed that you worked very hard on that."
🚫 Instead of "You're a natural athlete,"
✨ Try, "It looks like your practice has paid off."
🚫 Instead of "You're such a good climber!"
✨ Try, "I see that you're climbing carefully"
Or simply just "You did it!" is my favorite.
Focus on skills that they are learning and they will develop self reliance, confidence, and a drive for lifelong learning.
If you want to read more on the Fixed vs Growth mindset grab a copy of The Danish Way of Parenting from the reading page before you go.
