Giving Real Power to the Authoritarian Parent
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An Authoritarian parent,
likely comes from a place of deep concern for their child’s safety, success, and moral development. Their strengths lie in their dedication to core values and commitment to raising disciplined, responsible children. These traits are admirable. This approach reflects your desire to protect your child from chaos or failure, and instill strong values for their future.
The firm approach of this style usually comes with unanticipated challenges. These challenges could take the form of a strained relationship with you and your child, unwanted behaviors, lack of cooperation or motivation, and people-pleasing tenancies as they get older; making them more susceptible to peer pressure when you’re not around to steer them in the right direction.
The good news is that with small, intentional adjustments, you can transition toward a more Adlerian Parenting style that balances discipline with mutual respect and self-determination.
Let’s explore a more connected and collaborative relationship with your child,
while maintaining the structure and values you hold dear.
From Control to Collaboration
We know the classic “because I said so!” knee-jerk reaction but, I think you’ll agree, we can do better than that. I’m not implying that we abandon our authority. Or that you need to stoop down and cater every explain, every thought, and movement for our kids; that’s obviously not practical. But to discourage discussions entirely is equally impractical.
To shut the door on conversation is to shut the door on developing important life-skills. Where will they learn to debate, reason, or compromise if they are consistently are being steamrolled by their would-be instructor? Instead of dictating every decision, involve your child in problem-solving and decision-making whenever reasonably possible. For instance, if chores are a source of conflict, use the Family Meeting as a time to collaborate and plan for a compromise.
There are so many different small ways to allow our kid to express themselves. The more freedom you can give them the more responsibility they will learn to take on. They will learn that every choice has consequences and they are directly responsible. This way, using natural consequences in place of fear-based obedience, you can begin to foster accountability while reinforcing mutual respect in open conversation.
Example Scenario: Crossing the street
(authoritarian)
Parent: “Hold my hand right now or I’ll carry you! I don’t care if you don’t want to!”
The child may comply out of fear or resist because they feel controlled. As the child gets bigger the unwanted behavior will become less manageable.
(Adlerian)
Parent: “We hold hands in the street to stay safe. Do you want to hold my hand or( sit -on my shoulders, -in the stroller, hold someone else’s hand, another appropriate options)?”
The parent gives clear instruction, a ‘why’, and offers choices, making the child feel empowered, and more willing to cooperate.
2. Focus on Connection before Correction
It’s easy to get caught in the habit of focusing on solving problems quickly, but I often forget to slow down and treat my kids like people, not tasks. Instead of rushing to correct mistakes, make a habit to bring them close with affection and ask questions. Corrections don’t have to be loud or intimidating. A quick gentle gesture often goes a long way.
Additionally, constantly being told that your best is not sufficient really squashes that internal motivation. It builds up the Fixed Mindset and weakens their drive to overcome obstacles. Create a stronger bond by prioritizing connection in small meaningful moments, instead of jumping in to correct problems or mistakes. A gentle “Hey, tell me what’s going on,” is a great place to start.
The stronger your bond the stronger their will to cooperate will be.
Example Scenario: climbing on the furniture (when they have already been told not to)
(Authoritarian)
Parent: “Get down right now! I told you not to do that! If you don’t listen, you’re going to your room!”
The child might obey out of fear of isolation but doesn’t understand why they can’t climb. Kids NEED to climb- it’s such an important skill. But so is respecting the spaces where this is not an appropriate behavior.
Will likely continue doing it in secret when nobody is looking.
(Adlerian)
Parent: “I see you want to climb, that is not safe here. That might break or you could fall on something. If you want to climb, let’s go outside or build an obstacle course on the floor.”
The parent reinforces a boundary but also offers a suitable substitute.
The child learns reasoning and problem-solving.
3. Encourage Emotional Expression
As children are learning to express themselves, it can be REALLY overwhelming. I had a child in class today screech at the top of her lungs until the whole building went silent. Dealing with big emotions isn’t written down in any handbook for parents. Most of the time, our initial reaction is “That’s not ok!” or “Stop it!”. It may feel uncomfortable at first to allow our kids to express themselves but it’s something that, like anything, gets easier with practice.
Give them guidelines and a safe place to begin to understand themself better. (Our kids are allowed to kick, scream, stomp, and yell, etc. but they are NOT allowed to hurt people or break things.)
Behavior is communication. If a kiddo is feeling like they aren’t understood, they KNOW unwanted behavior will get make someone pay closer attention. Learning to share their thoughts or feelings in a productive way is a skill that is taught, ideally by you. It’s not learned through suppressing feelings and denying uncomfortable moments, but through deeply understanding them.
Kids need to know that everyone has big feelings; they’re normal, and manageable. Aditionally: Emotional Intelligence is a top predictor for a person’s success later in life.
Example Scenario: A 9-year-old is crying after losing a soccer game.
(Authoritarian)
Parent: “Don’t cry about it. It’s just a game! It’s supposed to be fun.”
The child feels dismissed, demotivated, and alone.
They learn to avoid emotions instead of how to fully process them.
They may stop sharing feelings with the parent, fearing judgment or rejection.
There is a high likihood that they will have a fit about something small in an effort to process these unresolved feelings.
(Adlerian)
Parent: “I can see you’re upset. Losing can be really disappointing, huh?”
Child: “I tried really hard, but we still lost. It’s not fair.”
Parent: “I get that. It’s frustrating to work hard and not win, but You should be really proud of yourself for of how you played. Do you want to practice some skills together this week to feel more prepared next time?”
The parent names the emotions instead of dismissing them.
The child learns resilience and self-reflection, knowing their feelings are safe to express.
Instead of shutting down, the child feels connected and motivated to perservere.
This change helps children develop emotional intelligence, trust in their parents, and confidence rather than simply learning to "hide" their emotions.
4. Re-frame Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
A fear of failure (a result of the fixed mindset) often drives parents to emphesize avoiding mistakes. However, mistakes are often unavoidable and a valuable opportunity for growth. When your child makes a mistake, approach it with curiosity rather than criticism. Ask questions like, “What happened?” or “How can we fix this?”
This easy re-direction helps your child develop forward thinking, problem-solving skills, and frustration tollerance while showing them that your love and support are unconditional. While prioritizing rules and discipline draws the focus away from the lesson, proritizing curiosity encourages learning.
Example Scenario: A 5-year-old spills a cup of juice on the floor.
(Authoritarian)
Parent: “Look at this mess! You’re so careless! Now I have to clean it up. Next time, be more careful or you won’t get juice at all!”
The child feels ashamed and fearful and becomes defensive.
Trust is lost and willingness to learn is disengaged.
They may learn to avoid getting caught making a mistake by sneaking, blaming, or lying.
A learning oportunity is missed.
(Adlerian)
Parent: “Oh no! Hurry, grab a towel and we can clean it up.”
Child: “I didn’t mean to!”
Parent: “That’s ok, accidents happen to everyone. Next time, let’s use two hands.”
The child feels safe to make mistakes and learns to take acountability
They learn to say sorry without feeling shamed or scolded. (Shame and Guilt are not the same)
The parent gets to teach new skills (using two hands and how to clean up juice) which is exponentially more effective at preventing future mistakes than punishment.
By shifting from blame to guidance,
the child builds confidence and responsibility, rather than fear and avoidance.
Transitioning from an Authoritarian to an Adlerian parenting style doesn’t mean abandoning your values or discipline. Instead, it’s about integrating connection, collaboration, and encouragement into your parenting approach. By focusing on the four elements above, you can nurture a strong relationship with your child that is both respectful and supportive.
And lay the foundation for their capable independence.
Your passion for your child’s success and moral development is a powerful asset. It will only take a few small, intentional changes, for you to become the confident and balanced leader your child needs to thrive.
You’re already on the right path—Don’t stop now!!
