Q: How do you make every child you have feel loved, appreciated, important, etc while being a SAHM and little time to provide individualized moments. Kids ages: 5yr, 2.5yr, 4mths. Thank you.

A: This is such a beautiful question, and is always on my mind.

Quick answer: Savor the Mundane and find Dyadic Synchrony

They say a parent can’t be their child’s friend but I think *they* are wrong. I think we DO have to be their parent **first** and then we get to be their friend second. If we want to have a healthy relationship with our adult children, we have to learn to take their feelings and desires into consideration whenever possible. That doesn’t mean letting them rule the schedule and cater to their every whim. It means finding a balance between enforcing your authority and meeting their needs.

Connection starts with Respect.

"The way we treat our children when they depend on us forms the foundation of their emotional blueprint, which they carry into their relationships with others and with us as they grow."

-Dr. Laura Markham

I fear that most parents think that they have to somehow carve out, or add something magical to their already busy schedules in order to get their kid’s attention. But the truth is, this mindset is simply missing the mark.

You connect with your kids by getting to know them and who they are. What makes them tick and what are their strengths? For example, I know that I can depend on some of my kids to be flexible or spontaneous while others will completely shutdown with anything less than a 30 minute warning - obviously it isn’t always possible. So I have to know that sometimes I need to have a little extra patience. Getting to know them will teach you when to push and when to bend for a truly collaborative relationship.

I missed the boat in connecting with my girls while they were still your kids’ age. I want to help make sure you don’t!
For anybody reading this what had bigs and littles, there is still hope! Last year, I bought a couple mother/daughter journals on Amazon in an effort to reconnect with my eldest girls. One of them leaves it on my pillow regularly. The other, I don’t think has ever even opened it. The struggle to connect is *very* real because they are so different. The beauty of the journal (if they use it) is that each page is short and sweet and can be done in your own time - perfect for a busy schedule. The beauty of understanding our kids is that I know I will have other opportunities for the later daughter.

When it comes to figuring out your kids, sometimes the only option we have within our chaotic routines is to

invite them to join us.

While chores don’t sound like the most fun, I’ve found that my kids don’t mind helping out; in fact they want to! Often times parents try to shut their little ones out of helping because, let’s be real, it’s not usually very helpful. But if you keep telling them you don’t want them around because its inconvenient they will soon quit looking to be involved (and I don’t just mean with chores).

Imagine your best friend is coming over. I don’t mean a good friend, I mean your best friend. The friend you don’t clean up for before they arrive. The one who will sit on the couch and fold laundry with you or watch you wash dishes and just chat. Now fill that role with your kids. The cores aren’t getting in the way of your relationship the relationship happens in the midst of life. You don’t always need to carve out special moments. Our days are already filled with little opportunities.

I made the mistake, when my girls were little, of prioritizing efficiency. They often asked me to help with something trivial and I assumed they meant literally, but it was an invitation.

“Help me color,” she would say.

And so I would take her crayon from her and proceed to color her page not understanding what she really wanted. She actually meant “spend time with me.”

As kids do, she would try to make the best of the situation. She prompted conversation by giving me directions.

“Use the blue here,” she might say.

“No, Grass is green, not blue,” I would reply.

-again taking things to literal and spoiling the fun.

She often became discouraged in our interactions. She might try to stand up for herself and argue, or totally lose interest and abandon the effort. Then I would feel rejected and be upset that she left me with her mess to clean up - again. I would proceed to shame her for being rude or disrespectful, not knowing that it was

all my fault.

Where she intended connection, I caused friction. My need to be productive and right was carving the Grand Canyon between us. It went like this until it became too hard for me to manage and then I sent her away to school. She began to act out more at home which made me insecure and I wanted more space from her while she wanted less. Attention seeking is lack of connection.

One day a parent-teacher meeting at the Montessori school we found by chance, I learned that she was absolutely not the problem. (That is another story for another day!)

I thank God for that insight every chance I get.

A lot of parents have mixed feelings about co-sleeping, I know I do. But there is a reason why kids crave that bedtime connection. Scientifically speaking, were wired for it.

The official term is Dyadic Synchrony

I bring up co-sleeping because that is the most common place for parents to naturally provide for this need. Dyadic synchrony is when a caregiver and child, through their shared focus, synchronize their nervous systems - breathing, heart rate, and even brain waves. This is when we feel most connected. Bedtime ignites a primal drive for this synchrony.

I’m not saying that you should or shouldn’t co-sleep, I am saying that you owe your kids a proper bedtime ritual. The physical closeness, quiet conversation, and shared moments at night are often all they need to feel loved, secure, and connected. Bedtime doesn’t have to be a huge ordeal. It can be done in around 20-30 minutes. I highly, highly recommend asking dad to get involved. maybe trade off days if you can’t do it together.

⏳ Time Guide:

5-10 min: Pre-Bedtime Autonomy & Transitioning
Getting dressed, brushing teeth, water, last potty.
10-15 min: Connection Through Rituals
For us, this means prayers, Criss-cross Applesause, and tucking in the lovey, and choosing a bedtime story.
5-10 min: Emotional Check-In & Co-Regulation
We ask the same questions every night: “What made you laugh today?” “What made you frustrated today?” “What made you disappointed today?” “What are you looking forward to tomorrow?”
5 min: Final Goodnight & Independence
They are left alone to read, write, draw, or color in their journals before bed. We let them leave their lamps on as long as they are quiet and in bed. It is a firm boundary. If they get out of bed for anything the light goes off.

If your kids are fighting bedtime, it is a cry for connection. I know that at the end of the day, you’re running on fumes. I’ve been there, which is why I end up co-sleeping so often. I’m too tired to go to each of their rooms so they have learned they can come to me.

So, friend, if bedtime has become a battle, try shifting the focus from control to connection. Your kids don’t just need sleep—they need you. Being a good parent is not just about the rules we enforce, it's about building relationships with our people. Take the time to engage with them in small, everyday moments. By prioritizing connection, you’ll create a bond that lasts far beyond the nightly routine. Whether it’s tucking them in, doing a task together, or simply chatting in the car, these are the moments that matter. You don’t need to go out of your way to connect, they are begging for it!

"The relationships that you have with people are not made in the big moments. They’re made in the little moments. The moments when you’re talking, and you’re listening, and you’re sharing, and you’re present with them in a way that is real and meaningful."

-JBP

Q&A - How to connect