Q&A: Teaching Kids to Ask for Help
Q: Hi,
I was just wondering if you had an any suggestions to help a 5 year old learn that it isn’t ok to always handle situations himself.
He never comes to tell if he’s having trouble with a situation, that he’s frustrated with something, or if someone is being mean. I’ve tried everything I can think of. We always have a conversation about it where I explain that he can’t just react he needs to tell.
He always just either a grabs, hits, or screams at the person he’s frustrated with. We’ve explained the right way to handle the situations. We have taken away toys, tv, candy, done time outs, and even in extreme situations given him a spanking (which I absolutely hate doing). But he just doesn’t get the concept “keep hands to yourself and tell a grown up”.
Also I’m pretty sure he has ADHD. I know that can factor in for his lack of impulse control but I’m just at my wits end trying to figure out an effective consequence.
Any suggestions would be appreciated thank you!
A: Ooh such a tough situation!
Most of us would hope for our kids to be strong enough to stand up for what is right or fair, so I’m sure you can appreciate where he’s not wrong there.
And I’m guessing THAT is the motivation behind his behavior.
Unfortunately, at 5 years old, he hasn’t quite mastered the delivery of his message. He probably doesn’t realize that he could potentially be taken as the aggressor or a bully in situations where he is trying to take justice into his own hands. That’s a great place to start the conversation next time it comes up.
I would begin bringing him close to let him know that you’re on his team. Sensitive kids (and adults) tend to shut down to constructive criticism if they feel like they are being attacked. Ask him for his perspective before you jump to any conclusions. Let him know that you believe he was trying to be a helper, you can see that he probably means well, and you are proud of him for standing up for whats right. However there is a better way to handle these things in the future.
Those are good traits for a strong leader.
On that note, we can take this prognosis of possible ADHD and look at it through a more productive lens.
People with ADHD make excellent leaders with a focus on ambition and creativity. Their typical weaknesses would be things like delegating (asking mom to help resolve an issue) and impulsiveness. Let’s play on the strengths when we aim so resolve future issues. If his ambition and sense of justice are driving forces, ask him to come up with the solution that he thinks will work well. He will likely be glad to rise to the challenge. Especially if you have had the conversation over and over again. Asking him to regurgitate the message is a well known study tactic for college students. It is effective at strengthening Active Recall and Cognitive Processing. It’s like strength training for the neural pathways of a desired behavior. Simply put, it will be easier in the future for him to remember how to behave if he is the one who came up with it.
Helpful tip:
If he is especially chatty at certain times of the day, plan for the conversation then and let it happen naturally. Approaching him with an awkwardly forced lecture, or in the midst of chaos is going to me a major off-switch. Let him lead the conversation and give them plenty of tome for consideration.
One aspect of the issue could be that he doesn’t feel supported in his struggle. He won’t come to you because he doesn’t thing you understand him and you’re not going to be in hes side. This isn’t entirely your fault! When it comes to sibling rivalry they learn really quickly how to play family members against each other. Identifying these buttons might be hard for parents who are easily triggered but heir kids’ actions.
Follow these 4 steps to ensure a fair outcome for future conflicts:
Conflict resolution using Rapoport’s Rules:
Re-explain their viewpoint
List your agreements
Mention what you learned from them
Make your case
Approaching the situation in an objective tone, the kids will feel less need to defend their position tooth-and-nail.
Finally, I will always say, lead by example. I don’t imagine that you’re grabbing, or hitting, or screaming as means of discipline at home, but if overreacting is a common struggle that you’re facing, then they will mirror that in their own way. Maintaining a cool head is something that we can show by example too. Let them see you take a deep breath before responding. Don’t jump on the first consequence that pops into your head. Let them know that you care enough to give these things careful consideration. It’s ok to say “I need a minute to decide how I want to address this,” or “There will be a consequence, but I’m going to think about it to make sure that its a fair outcome,”
This will earn big respect points and empower your authority. Just remember to follow through!
I hope that helps! <3
