From Permissive to Adlerian

Parenting with empathy, autonomy, and connection is a beautiful gift to your children. As a permissive parent, these qualities come naturally to you, reflecting your deep commitment to fostering trust and well-being in your relationship with your child. However, challenges such as setting boundaries, navigating emotional manipulation, or managing burnout can sometimes leave you feeling stuck. The good news? You can channel your strengths into a more balanced parenting approach inspired by Adlerian principles.

Adlerian parenting emphasizes mutual respect, encouragement, and cooperation while maintaining clear boundaries. It focuses on empowering children to develop responsibility, resilience, and respect for authority without sacrificing connection. Let’s explore how you can lean into this style while honoring your natural strengths.

Redefine Boundaries as Acts of Love

Permissive parents often fear that setting boundaries will erode trust, but healthy limits provide children with the structure they need to thrive. Think of boundaries as a roadmap for your child’s success rather than restrictions on their freedom. For example, instead of saying, “No more screen time because I said so,” try: “We’re turning off screens at 7 PM so we have time for reading and winding down before bed. Would you like to pick the story tonight?”

This approach makes boundaries feel collaborative, not punitive, and shows your child that your rules are rooted in care.

Empower Through Accountability

It’s tempting to step in when your child faces challenges, but overdependence can hinder their growth. Adlerian parenting encourages teaching responsibility by holding children accountable in age-appropriate ways.

Instead of cleaning up their toys because it’s faster, invite them to help. You could say: “When we work together to tidy up, it makes our home a nice place to play. Would you like to pick up the blocks or the books?” Offering choices fosters autonomy while reinforcing the idea that everyone contributes to the family’s well-being.

Encourage Problem-Solving

Children who are allowed to manipulate emotions to avoid consequences often miss out on opportunities to develop self-regulation. Adlerian parenting emphasizes guiding children through emotional challenges instead of fixing them. For example, if your child throws a tantrum because they can’t have a treat, acknowledge their feelings and then guide them toward a solution: “I see you’re upset because you wanted a cookie. Let’s think about when we can have a special treat. How about after lunch tomorrow?”

This teaches them to cope with disappointment and helps build resilience.

Lead with Encouragement

Adlerian parenting thrives on encouragement over praise. Instead of saying, “Good job,” try, “You worked hard on that puzzle, and you figured it out all by yourself!” This type of feedback highlights effort and growth, helping children build confidence and intrinsic motivation.

Encouragement reminds your child that they are capable and valued, which naturally reduces entitlement and fosters mutual respect.

Practice Self-Care Without Guilt

Burnout is a common struggle for permissive parents who give so much of themselves to their children. But remember: you can’t pour from an empty cup. Prioritize your own well-being by setting aside time for rest, hobbies, or connections with other adults. By modeling self-care, you teach your child the importance of balancing responsibilities and personal needs.

Transitioning to an Adlerian parenting style doesn’t mean abandoning your strengths. Instead, it’s about using empathy, autonomy, and connection to create a balanced approach that nurtures both your child’s emotional well-being and their ability to thrive as they grow up. By setting boundaries, fostering accountability, and encouraging problem-solving, you’ll empower your child to grow into a respectful, resilient, and responsible individual—all while maintaining the trust and love you cherish.

Parenting is a journey of growth for both you and your child. Every small step toward balance makes a lasting difference.

You’ve got this!