33. The Family Dinner - dealing with picky eaters
Family mealtime is a sacred space that we often take for granted. It’s a time where the outside world fades away when a ritual of savoring mundane moments comes to life. You can read more on the power of the family meal here.
I truly don’t care what you eat, but eat it together. The family meal gives children the gift of comfortable stability. Through ever changing busy days they know that they will have a hot meal with people who love them.
The Harvard dinner study, and the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse agree, children who eat with their family are 5X more likely to develop emotional intelligence, lifetime success, and less behavioral problems.
You don’t need to DO anything special except show up.
Our kids will mirror our interactions whether we like it or not so give them a good show.
You could easily make mealtime special by adding a little bit of ritual to it. Add an unscented candle, say grace, or use cloth napkins; a little tradition can make it feel extra special.
Or don’t add anything at all and let the mood say it all. I am confidently and non-objectively in charge. Practice firm and fair boundaries.
DOs:
Eliminate distractions. No TV, no phones, no tablet, or other distractions. We don’t allow toys at the table either. Let’s be real, screens are just grown up toys.
Encourage conversational skills. Including manners like waiting your turn to talk (“my mouth is a volcano” book helps with that) and not talking with your mouth full (lead by example). Ask open-ended questions and give space for consideration. Relentless questions can stifle imagination.
If you have picky eaters, include them in the kitchen prep. My picky eaters will try anything if they had a hand in its creation.
Focus on encouragement instead of praise. For example, instead of saying, “Good job for finishing your veggies!” try, “I noticed you tried a new food today! How was it?” This approach supports intrinsic motivation and self-reliance.
DON’Ts:
Use food as a reward or punishment.
Food isn’t a tool for control. It’s a basic human need. Teach hunger cues instead, and praise them for “listening to their bodies”. Holding boundaries around healthy choices is totally OK. Like saying “if you’re hungry you can eat what is on your plate and if you’re not hungry that’s ok, but I’m not making an alternative. Everyone is eating the same meal tonight,” Let them pick and choose from what is available on the table. They’re allowed to “not like” rice, but fruit snacks or crackers are not an alternate option. My kids can always leave food on their plate but I will keep presenting them with the healthy options. My son “didn’t like” potatoes for 6 years until one day he did. I don’t make them go hungry either. Listening to their bodies means being able to eat WHEN they want. I will make the meal and they will still sit with us as we eat. But if they leave food on their plate, they can always warm up their meal later and finish when they’re hungry.
Side note: If desert is an option everyone gets desert. If you’re not going to share with everyone don’t offer it. Excluding your kids from a family treat is not sending the message you think you are.
If mealtime becomes a power-struggle, your kids will likely double down on their defiant behavior.
If the end-goal is to build up the community within your home don’t put energy into causing problems. Authoritarian parenting that demands control and obedience increases the likelihood of picky eaters by limiting their intrinsic interest in exploring their environment and trying new foods.
Alternatively, an authoritative approach to mealtime balances clear expectations with positive reinforcement to establish a cooperative response. A little flexibility goes a long way. Keep in mind that the habits that you practice are the ones that you will have to deal with in return. If you want flexible and cooperative kids, you will have to practice being flexible and cooperative.
