Q&A - Setting Boundaries With Family
Q: "My MIL (mother in law) thinks it’s funny to scare my toddler. I’ve asked her to stop but she says, “Oh, she’ll live,”. My husband won’t say anything to his mom about it. What should I do?”
The good news, Friend, is that you have options! And the recipe for solid boundaries is pretty simple.
A solid boundary is made by
stating the boundary
stating the consequence
following through
Obviously, advocating for your toddler is top priority as a mother. But what that looks like really depends on their developmental abilities. Toddler is actually a pretty broad period spanning just barely beginning to walk, to nearly five years old. SO SO much happens for them developmentally in these years. That means, advocating for them could look different for many people but baseline is so behave in the way you want them to mirror.
OPTION 1: Teach your kids to stand up for themself.
We can use words, body language, and proper communication (firm but kind) to give your MIL the clue to back off.
Body language can look like a “stop” hand, turning away, shaking your head. Feel free to translate their body language to the other person if you don’t feel like they’re getting the hint. You can begin teaching your toddler by making these motions then instruct your little one to copy. Remember not to take it personally when they begin practicing on mom and dad. (Teaching when and where they should use their new skill is another conversation for a different day.)
The Little person sticking up for themself could be just the trick to tell Grandma that they mean business.
Funny story: My 4-year-old once punched my dad in the face when he leaned in for a kiss on the head without permission. I’ve never been more stunned or proud.
I said “NO! Why did you hit him?! We don’t hit people we love.”
She came back with, “You said I could! I told Papa, no.”
We laughed, because she wasn’t wrong. She said no!
Thank God toddlers don’t hit very hard.
Toddlers love saying “no” so this should be pretty easy lesson.
NOTE:
Generally speaking, you have to know what your boundaries are before you can enforce them. In my Family Meeting article, I talk about creating a list of family rules in an effort to get everyone in the house on the same page. This is a great place to start. You and your husband need to agree on what is and isn’t acceptable behavior before introducing the WHO factor. The fact that this particular situation involves his own mother will bring up new issues for him personally and you need to be able to agree on the boundaries before adding the extra emotional pressure. You can get some inspiration for discussion from my Family Meeting in the article linked above.
It’s entirely possible that your husband can’t/won’t stand up to his mom because of childhood trauma surrounding something similar to what you’re experiencing. Maybe she has a hard time respecting boundaries or its possible that he was never allowed to set or hold them.
Then BAM, here you come to break that toxic generational cycle! Look at you go, Mama!! Good for you.
As for the script, there is an account on Instagram that I’ll direct you to here. You can come back to watch when you’re ready. It’s a kindergarten teacher who makes silly videos demonstrating setting boundaries with stubborn relatives. All of her Gentle Parenting skits are pretty spot on, and if you can ignore the political agenda, the info is both entertaining and helpful.
So let’s pretend you have had your family meeting and you have agreed: Talking to, touching, manipulating, or any other behavior that makes your babies feel unsafe, scared, or uncomfortable should not be allowed. That’s fair.
Now what?
What will be the consequence?
Boundaries come with consequences.
If the line is crossed something should be done. They can be Natural (my favorite) or Imposed Logical consequences. Read more on consequences HERE.
OPTION 2: Let Natural Consequences play out.
In this situation the natural consequence will be that your kids grow to distrust their grandma. They will quit wanting to spend time with her. That’s a big OOF. Grandma will surely notice, and probably be upset about it. If you need to translate for your toddler you might say something like, “If you keep doing that she won’t want to be around you anymore. She has asked you to stop ____ .”
If Grandma reacts poorly, which it entirely possible, Know this: you are not responsible for her- not her feelings or behaviors. You didn’t make her mad, sad, or anything else of the sort. It is not disrespectful to stand up for yourself, and that’s the lesson we are modeling. The goal isn’t to add drama to the relationship; facts are facts.
Here is your permission to speak up and take a stand for yourself and your babies.
Remember: Firm but Kind
It’s possible that your kiddos could grow up not having a strong relationship with their grandma. That would be a natural consequence of her choices. The hope would be that she is receptive and that she learns to respect the boundaries that you have set. If she doesn’t immediately respond the way you would have liked, don’t stress too much. There is always a path to rebuild the relationships. She will eventually start wondering, ‘Why don’t they want to come over to my house?’ ‘Why won’t they sit by me on the couch?’ ‘Why won’t they give me a hug?’ The ‘whys’ will keep coming and your response will remain the same: “I won’t encourage my children to have relationships with someone who hurts them.”
If at any point there are passive aggressive comments, a simple, “ I hear you, and if you would like to sit down to have a respectful conversation about it, I’m all ears” does the trick. Stick to your guns and demand respect.
OPTION 3: Apply Logical Consequences and enforce tough boundaries.
An imposed consequence would look more like: getting up and leaving when the boundary isn’t respected. The issue with this is that it might cause a string of emotions and reactions. Bear in mind that we are all imperfect people. If your family has some choice words remember that you’re only in control of you. It’s not your job to change people. It is your job to set the standard for how you will allow them to treat you and the people you love. All you can do is make sure that your expectations are really clear so there is no room for misunderstanding.
I expect you to stop inappropriate behavior or there will be consequences - this isn’t a threat its a boundary.
When you don’t stop we will… (go home, stop coming over, not invite you again, or whatever you decide is appropriate).
Because it’s not safe to teach my children to allow someone to treat them any way that makes them feel uncomfortable.
The trick here is to only apply consequences that make sense, AND ones you are willing to follow through on. If it means leaving a party, be prepared to do that. If it means going no-contact, be prepared to follow through. What are you willing to do to enforce healthy boundaries?
