34. Kids Will Be Kids - little t trauma
Parents and non-parents alike went to war in the comments section of a viral video on Instagram. For once, it wasn’t my video, although I have been known to start my fair share of debates online.
The video was of two toddlers, one probably nearing two years old, and the other probably a solid 3. They were in a public setting with lots of other kids and grownups around. Maybe it was a children’s museum; a grocery store setting. The younger boy was pushing a play shopping cart. The little girl appears, peels his hands off, then takes it and walks away. Nobody intervened and the little boy was left looking confused. The caption read “This broke my heart to see my son give up the toy so helplessly. Moms, what would you do in this situation?”
In the comments section some people said that ‘It’s our duty as parents to protect our kids’, some said ‘Nobody is crying. Everything is fine.’
Regardless of which side you’re on, you’re going to want to read this.
To preface, I’m actively studying ABA therapy. In a nutshell, Applied Behavioral Analysis is science-based behavior modification.
Over on Instagram, I talked about how the little girl’s eye contact and body language indicated that she was doing her best to show respect and take turns. She was not at all acting with mean intentions. I promise, kids know what mean is. She could have hit or pushed or yelled at him but she was intentionally gentle. We have to be very careful, as a source of authority, not to impose our beliefs onto situations involving our kids. A lot of the comments were from people who believed she was “stealing the cart” or “forcefully taking it from him” or “trying to get away with it.” In her head she’s “taking a turn” in the way she was taught how. Mom/Dad probably help her “share” at home and it looks a lot like that. This is evidence of why we have to be so conscious of the way we teach our kids social skills. Most kids learn through trial and error or first-hand experiences.
Taking the Cart back away from her would only add more fuel to the fire. You don’t teach a kid to share by taking things from them. Let’s say her parents see and go up in arms because you look like a bully taking things from their kid. What would you do if she screamed “No!” at you? I would be mortified, and angry. That’s not a position I need to put myself in. That’s not an example I want to set - I’m going to take this because I’m bigger than you. As an adult we can understand that it seems justified, but to every kid watching, that’s just what they would see. We have to learn to read the room. View the situation from a position of naivety.
It isn’t my job to correct other people’s kids unless they are way out of line. I think it’s like going over to someone’s house and trying to tell them how they should cook their breakfast. If they’re burning the toast I’ll tell them, but otherwise I’ll let them cook their eggs any way they like. That’s not my business. Everyone is just doing their best.
So, taking the cart away from the little girl is off the table.
But, YES! Protect your babies!
It’s likely that this was the first time the little boy was forced to share something with another child. Kids his age are parallel players. They rarely interact with other kids, instead they copy. They play through imitating and recreating. This is how skills and habits are learned (good and bad). You already know that the little boy is going to copy this new “sharing” thing and practice over and over.
Partially because he is curious but also because it was probably something that made him experience some big feelings.
He probably had never felt that combination of curiosity and frustration at the same time before. The ambivalence is nuanced. I would take this opportunity to get in there and play close to him. Making him aware that I am here and ready to chat. Of course, he is too little to just “chat” but the presence of their safe person is enough for kids to let those emotions out. They can present is so many different forms. Maybe as anger, sadness, emotional withdrawal, acting out in various ways. The display really depends on the child.
Kids are little scientists.
Just like the little girl was testing the social boundaries of “sharing”, he will continue to look for opportunities to recreate that new experience. To recreate the scene of the crime, if you will. This is how people process emotions and trauma. Emotions turn to trauma when we are denied the ability to process them. Punishing big emotions is trauma.
We will seek to recreate or test out the scenarios that we need to understand. I know that he will go forward and practice stealing from other kids and it’s my job to be present and steer him toward appropriate sharing techniques. In our house, we say “You can have a turn when I’m finished” so that’s the language I would begin scripting in real world scenarios. I would avoid taking things from his hands. Instead, I would direct him to return the thing himself. If he throws a fit because he REALLY wants the thing, I would remove him from the situation because he has left the learning mind-state. Don’t worry, there will always be future opportunities to practice. Most little kids can pick up on taking turns and sharing pretty quickly. And keep in mind, this technique works with siblings as well as friends.
Whatever you do, don’t say, “he/she had it first” that gives the kids a complex. It creates a sense of individualism and competition that’s unnecessary. There is a time and place for being the first and best, a social conflict is not that place.
My goal with my kids is to keep them actively involved in their logical brain but also to let them know that life’s hard sometimes. Especially when you’re the littlest guy in the room. I don’t need to make them feel ashamed of their mistakes or to punish them for their misunderstandings. I want to build them up to be confident and wise.
How about you? What would you do differently?
