29. Calming the mind - using charts
There is one thing that is a universal American habit.
Control
Some seek to control others and some just want to be able to maintain control over themself.
Generally speaking a parent who views their job as to control their child's moods and behaviors will quickly become frustrated and angry to find that their child is not too fond of being controlled. Kids are not designed to be controlled. Kids live in a fully present-mindset. The only thing that matters to them is this moment right now.
They are fueled by intuition and exploration.
The harder we fight to reign them in the harder they fall head-first into their current passion or combust in the process.
When we are given children we are given the opportunity to shape their habits, and to raise people who understand what self control looks like. We are supposed to show them healthy boundaries and emotional intelligence. Our job is not to make the bad feelings and experiences go away but teach them how to cope with them.
We can start with not being shocked when they need to express themself. Sometimes this expression is triggered by a lack of autonomy, sometimes it stems from a lack of orderly environment. Predictability breeds a feeling of security. Predictable, and fair boundaries make a kid feel secure; which creates confident kids. Confident kids are kind kids.
I have struggled with the need for control on and off during my time as a mom. Emotional regulation was not high on my list of accomplished skills entering adulthood. While studying the effects of my own dis-regulation I discovered the deep need for order and routine. I don't consider myself to be naturally orderly. It's something I've had to work very hard at. I found the more order I can maintain the more at ease I feel on a daily basis.
When people first come to my house, they’re not impressed with my housekeeping, nor with my home decor, my kids manners, or its grandeur. I have a pretty regular family and home. The thing that, again and again, draws the attention are the charts that hang on the wall in our living room.
It is a simple design I modified from something I once saw on the internet involving magnets. The evolution into it's current design has been a 4+ year process. It started out vastly different with a jar full of hand-written Popsicle sticks and a dry erase chart on the clipboard. Now it is a more sophisticated version with file clips and a lovely Art Nouveau design aesthetic.
My system recently got a facelift but people still loved it when it was ugly.
It consists of a series of black file clips along the edge of a simple clipboard. There are 14 categories on the 8x11 paper. In the title space I have typed each of my kids' names per their respective clipboard.
Each section is the width of a medium size document clip.
As a task is completed the kids are able to self-monitor their progress by flipping up or down the clips with the adjoining activity.
All of the clipboards look about the same with a task and a little image along side it. When I first developed this system I had only one kid at reading age, but I wanted to make the tasks accessible to them all, so I drew little images. Those little doodles are a little more sophisticated now.
Currently the task chart includes simple reminders like brush your teeth and hair, change your underpants, and do your daily chore. Basically anything that I was just sick of reminding the kids to do over and over, day after day. Now that we home school I have also added grade-specific tasks. The Daily Task Chart works really great for 3-10 year olds. It would probably work with older kids as well if you're diligent in the introduction period.
This is the perfect opportunity to teach them that you have firm but fair boundaries. Don't let them bait you into arguing that "It's not fair."
The system was made to put them back in control. If they want something they have to work for it on their own volition. Intrinsic motivation is a skill worth learning.
The concept works with younger kids really well too, but I had to modify the charts because there is a lot that little kids still need help with. For my three year old I replaced the homework sections with "make art" and the chore alternates between feed the cat or water the plants. The big kids choose a chore from the list we made up at one of our family meetings.
The task chart must be completed every day if the kids want any extra curricular privileges. That includes things like going to their friends house, or time on the electronics.
I tell my kids "You have to take care of your body and your home first, before you can worry about the world."
That being said, they play almost all day still. It is not my responsibility to follow them around to make sure it gets done. I might throw out a vague reminder here and there or provide direction if things get out of hand but ultimately it's up to them to do the things.
This amount of freedom and semi-organization has been the perfect balance for us. The kids do their homework and chores eagerly. They are fully in control of their duties
FRIENDLY REMINDER: as you probably already know, we all need a day off sometimes. There is no sense of urgency from me placed on the completion of their work. They get to experience what it means to develop work ethic and work-life balance at such a young age. In these younger years, they get to experiment with time-management and pride in their accomplishments.
The deadline for the extra curricular leisure time that changes with the seasons. If they don't finish the entire chart by that cut off time, they get to stay home and entertain themself. I have one kid who waits until the last minute, but she always gets it done. I have another who does everything in the first 15 minutes of her day.
The whole point of this system is to give due control back to the intended owner. Nobody follows us around as adults to remind us to brush our teeth and change our underwear.
Eventually I hope my kids will outgrow the need for their daily task charts but for now its the single most helpful thing in our home to date.
